Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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