no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
