Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
