I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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