the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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