the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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