well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
