Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
