You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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