I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
