Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
