If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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