Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
