I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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