You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
