Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
