I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
