I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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