At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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