No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
