I wannas sexs uuuuu
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
