went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
