Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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