My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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