I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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