Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
