so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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