I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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