Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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