Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
