his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just want nice things and good sex
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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