I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
