Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
