8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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