I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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