I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There r osticjed everywhere
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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