Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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