My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
