what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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