he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
