You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
