The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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