I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
