I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
