I just gift wrapped bread.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
