Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
