im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
