Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
