its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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