I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
