I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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