I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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