How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
