Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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