Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
