We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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