Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
