I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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