My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
