Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
