She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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