i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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