The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
